It is not every day that you get an opportunity to vent to someone without fear of being asked to reciprocate the favor. To begin with, you will rarely get the opportunity in the first place. Usually, it is your girlfriend sited in the chair across, brushing her nails, humming every time you pause amidst your rant, only to get shocked when you ask a question about something you mentioned three minutes earlier.
My mum will listen, but slop in a few questions of her liking at the end. I don’t want to be ranting about my boss and end the discussion by answering why I last went to church 2 years ago. So when my good friend at the Jinja Times gave me an opportunity to talk about some important matters in the country in this column, I saw it as an opportunity to rant. Not like I will talk about the important issues with my girlfriend either, but hey, here is where I can cry once more and no one will see my tears. I can do this and pretend it was for “kyeyo”, gig.
So, in my endless encyclopedia of unshed tears lies a very vivid memory, this memory came to me a week ago as I was celebrating a best friend’s birthday. I remembered how she is very important in my life. Yes, a she!. I will tell you about the Russian roulette game that is maintaining a female bestie, another time, not today!. If you hear from me again, I will have survived the tornado that is likely to hit me for introducing bestie first before anyone else. If you did not attempt moving past curfew time during the first lockdown, this kind of game is not for you. Anyway, for all the adrenaline rush it brings to me, and not because I care about you, I will tell you why you need an opposite sex “bestie”. I am a middle-aged youthful man in his very late 20s but once upon a time, were the good old days when I was younger and innocent. You may call it naïve if you are rude. Something which I believe could have been an evil spirit had convinced me that my ‘bougie’ game was top notch, A-plus-classy fine boy !. Perhaps the same spirit that might have convinced Kabuleta to run for president.
There was this time my girlfriend’s birthday was fast approaching. And like I was taught every boyfriend or aspiring husband should be. I tried to be thoughtful. Well, I had wronged her in the few weeks prior so I had to turn on my top game to make amends. I don’t really remember what particular crime I had committed but it could be as simple as liking Lydia Jazmin’s picture. But anyway, she was angry and I had to make amends, girlfriends are not the most rational beings anyway. So after contemplating very many extravagant ideas like proposing to her at City Square, I finally settled with the more measured idea of buying her an outfit. I had a ka Ugx 100k on me and I was sure it would get me good juju from around Kampala’s many colorful arcades to
sweep her off her feet. This sum has been researched to feed nations according to our government. I descended unto Mukwano with my gusto and after a long search for the perfect spice, I zeroed on a colored suit ( with a blue-white floral blouse). It looked bright, unique, and beautiful (in my eyes).
I paid 90k and walked away a happy boyfriend just about to pass his husband auditions. My A+ taste would never let me down anyway. I was so sure of my choice that I didn’t wait for the birthday to deliver the gift. I delivered it a day earlier. This gentle beautiful daughter of Eve received the gift with lots of smiles and hugs.
Massaged my ego with lots of superlatives and ululations. Oh mehhn!!!…. I walked home feeling like Muhoozi had nothing on me. Now here is the point the devil comes in.
The next day I noticed a woman wearing a similar outfit. she looked smart. So I was concerned but not worried. but like anything, you are conscious about, I started noticing more and more of the same outfit in the next week. Within a few days, I saw about six women wearing something similar. Some were so dirty the white in the blouse looked like it was mocking me. I started wondering how this genuinely classy girl had taken this embarrassment of an outfit with a smile, and the show she had put on.
I have never felt more deflated than I was in that week. I started contemplating how to break into her house to steal the outfit and burn it. Have you ever felt like apologizing for a gift? Luckily throughout our time together, I never saw her wear it. One day I will ask her for forgiveness but for now, I learned the value of having a female best friend whenever I am dating. Downtown arcades I will never forgive you. May Museveni lock you up for an extra seven days than the rest of us.